Dear Yanni,

When you read this some time in the future know that today you've been the happiest and the saddest you've probably ever been in awhile. For one Faizal decided that he should text you after going AWOL on you and tell you what you knew all along, that he doesn't like LIKE you. Then you also discovered that your pain threshold isn't that high because you removed your tongue piercing after less than 6hours of having it done. You were however happy because you rekindled the thought provoking conversations you have with Idham. You were also happy because you realised that people remember you despite you thinking that you're really quite dispensable and insignificant. You also maybe grew a little bit wiser, even if it was at the expense of a little bit of happiness. You also realised that you would do just about anything for a few select people in life like Nas. You found out a bit more about yourself today too. When you read this in the future be proud of where you were today. Live life a little. Forget and bury the god damned hatchet if it's still in your back pocket. You're stabbing yourself in the back with it. Also know that today you accept that Hafiz is a part of your past and never that of the future. Be the bigger person Yanni even if you are physically small.

Love, me.


i only want to stay up and wait until 0505 (my time of birth) with people who i love dearly?

and if i can't have that then can i just have texts and hugs?one of which is from you?

i didn't wake up happy.i barely slept.i still miss him.S says it's karma.

i should stop being an epic bitch.then maybe.just maybe.


i just cracked my camera screen!
I AM OFFICIALLY DEPRESSED!


you were damn near perfect.
that's how i'll remember you.


dear eliters.thank you for the cake.boobs.phallus.cigg.my favourite.thank you jm and ness for sharing in the celebration.thank you for the lovely notes written in my presence.thank you for the huge assed barney that is currently guarding my door.thank you for the beautiful bag.a girl can never have enough big bags.thank you for being there.thank you for being so marvelous and starting me on my twos with a big bang.i love y'll kays!














and i keep replaying the moment.where i turned and i saw.as though i was at life's end.my life in surround sound and on silver screen.and the 2 syllables that have governed my life for so long.a fifth of my life.specifically.escaped the confines of my being.in bewilderment.in shock and awe.in need.ha.fiz.you looked.an endless stream of adjectives.sloppy.tired.irate.happy.so painfully familiar.and then.serene and fulfilled.i lost you.again.ironic.i never.had you.never ever had.and i stood.my body.a jumble.heart in throat.eyes on feet.hands.a vice on ciggs and beer.but.but.but.the mind.it.plays tricks.it rewinds.pauses.but a memory.pain.cathartic epiphany.replays.rewind.i've lost all of you.ashes to ashes.dust to dust.




















i love your sleep induced voice.


yesterday was nice.thanks 20yr old gigik person.


after taking hours to say yes to me,i saw you on monday for late lunch at long john silver.then chatting and webcam-ing for like 2+ hours before we both got too tired to type properly.then this morning again webcam and chat till your parents came back and you got the car and fetched me from school so i could accompany you to the gym then you made me eat.i'm chatting with you now.and you're being silly.and making me smile.and i'm gonna be seeing you again tomorrow for yoghurt and dinner.and i'm happy (:











my current obsession, Sarah Kane.
Sometimes I turn around and catch the smell of you and I cannot go on. I cannot fucking go on without expressing this terrible, so fucking awful, physical aching fucking longing I have for you. And I cannot believe that I can feel this for you and you feel nothing. Do you feel nothing?

Do you feel nothing?

And I go out at six in the morning and start my search for you. If I've dreamt a message of a street or a pub or a station I go there. And I wait for you.

You know, I really feel like I've been manipulated.

I've never in my life had a problem with giving another person what they want. But no one's ever been able to do that for me. No one touches me, no one gets near me. But now you've touched me somewhere so fucking deep I can't believe and I can't be that for you. Because I can't find you.

From: 4.48 Psychosis.



dearest nasirah a.r, amirul s.s, muhammad zulfadhli m.s, syeh muhammad hafiz s and ahmad abdillah m.t

thank you for the late night drive to jln kayu for prata.then to marina barrage to sing songs in the wee hours and play pepsi cola.driving faster and parking in some odd spot so i can go pee.giving me piggyback rides.trying (and failing) at racing up the slope at marina barrage.taking rubbish pictures.buying me dinner.letting me sit in the car from adm to my hall bus stop.making me lost in car talk.but best of all for making me laugh for the past 8years.life would so suck without all of you.

yanni.