i cannot comprehend how a person can hold hatred in him for so long.hatred tires me.it makes me antsy.i really have no idea why you hold such animosity towards me.i cannot remember when i have purposely crossed you.and if i did,isn't four years a long time for you to hold a grudge?

i'm feeling very mellow today.things happened this morning.i tried to help and well i guess my actions just proved the saying that the road to hell is paved with good intentions true.and i have no escape from this feeling that i have failed you (yet again).smoking provides but a temporary respite.

physically and emotionally i just feel so very tired.a part of me is screaming for me to stop all this.to declare that enough is enough.but yet another is pushing me to just hang on a little longer.for that someday.i feel what hamlet must have felt.to be or not to be.that is the question really.

i don't want to rant anymore.tommorrow.i'm going to play touch in the morning.meet nas in the evening.and cheer at night.perhaps things will start to look up from tommorrow.i hope they will.and at the end of the day all i want is to tell you everything.because that somehow makes it alright.

ilykthxbye.